Five

I've spent more time without you than I have with you this year. My life feels different. My life, no longer our life. I have reached the point where I realize that I'm going home to an empty place, I know I won't find you waiting for me on the couch, or in bed. I…

Scents and heartbeats

I found the cologne that you wore.  It took me almost a minute to convince myself that yes, even though it would hurt, I wanted to smell it again. And that's why I took the cap off. I didn’t know scent could be so powerful my love. With one whiff I remember you sitting on…

Purpose

Why me, why me, why me? I know you’ve heard me ask this question over and over again, and while its not as frequent, I still ask it at times. Why me Lord? Why him? Why? I’ve come to a realization lately that even if I knew why his life had to end it wouldn’t…

Ms or Mrs?

I filled out a form today, "please select your title". Ms or Mrs. I haven't thought about it very much until today. I never gave a second thought to selecting Mrs before. For 8 years I was always a Mrs. But now I look at it and I think, what am I? A Ms or…

Just one.

I remember the morning after you died, I woke up after sleeping for maybe 3 hours, even though I had been awake for 36 hours. I took a look at myself in the mirror, this broken woman, I could almost see into her soul. I saw the little girl in there who was scared, alone,…

And the Oscar goes to…

“You're looking well!”, “You're doing so great!",“I'm so proud of you!” “And the Oscar goes to the widow with her eyebrows done!” Yes I do have some good moments and most of you have seen me in the upward climb of the rollercoaster. Few of you have seen, heard, or been on the receiving end…

Scatter

I slept very little Saturday night. I woke up Sunday morning thinking only of what I had to do that day. I didn’t want to. If I could pray over these ashes and know that by some big miracle you would rise up out of them, I would pray until my words ran out. This…

Saturday, Socks, Scrambled eggs.

Brian, It's Saturday morning. I remember waking up early on Saturday mornings to start breakfast for us. You would still be in bed, attempting to recreate the sound of train horns. Eggs, bacon and coffee, every Saturday morning. I knew the one sure way to wake you up would be to gently touch your cheek…