To My Husband:
Ten years ago you walked into my life, how could I have known you would change my life in such a beautiful way. You brought a new type of love and joy to my world. Not only did you love me despite all my flaws, my sins, my ugly parts, but you made me want to change those things to be a better person for you and for this world. You made me proud to be your life partner and your friend. In our time together you would often say to me that he who finds a wife finds a good thing, but I can with 100% certainty say that I also found a good thing. You brought me the greatest joy, and even in your death, you left me with a lifetime of memories that are sweeter than honey. Memories of belly aching laughter, memories of your unending generosity, memories of your very animated facial expressions, and most of all memories of the greatest love that God could ever show me.
I miss you more than my heart can bear at times. I miss your strong bear hugs, your booming, infectious laugh, your mischievous smile that let me know you did something silly. I miss you singing beside me and sometimes missing the melody, I miss how your voice would get really deep and serious when you would read the bible or pray with me. I miss the way you looked at me and I knew I was the most important part of your life, I miss the way you said I love you. I miss the security of our love, knowing that no matter what you were there for me, to hold me, love, and protect me.
Here I am now, on this journey that I never wanted until we were old, grey, and could barely recognize the other person because we had become so senile and almost fossilized; and I’m scared my dear husband. Scared of who I am without you, scared of moving forward without you, scared of making all these big important decisions on my own. I need you most now to help me brainstorm what to do next, where to go from here. I need you to look at me the way you did and somehow I would just know that everything would be ok. So now I’m mad at you, mad because this is not the forever I hoped for Brian, this is not the life I imagined and dreamed of. I never imagined that having you beside me always would eventually mean that you are in a tiny urn pendant that hangs from my neck. I thought it would be you holding my hand as we figured out this crazy life together.
I ask a lot of why’s and what if’s. Why me, why you, why not when we were older? Why so much pain, why so many tears? What if I had been more faithful in my walk with God, what if you had been more faithful, would it have made a difference? Sadly, I know that the answer is no, because our days are numbered and that is a limit we cannot exceed.
So now I give praises in this dark valley. Praise to God that He gave me you. He allowed me to experience a kind of love that not many are fortunate enough to find. He brought me joy, love, happiness, and a story that can bring a smile to the faces around me. I pray and hope that I can use this dark valley to bring a story of hope to those I meet. Even in your death you teach me things, and you make me want to be a better person.
I end this letter to you by saying once again that it was my greatest accomplishment to be your wife, it was my greatest gift, it was my honor and the part of my life I am proudest of. I will not say goodbye, because I believe I will see you again one day, so instead I say see you later, I await that big strong bear hug.
“Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him”