Before you read this, please know that I have since dealt with the anger I felt that day, and at no point have I EVER wanted to harm myself. Grief is not logical, and many times anger isn’t either. When the two mix it can be quite exhausting.
I also want to say that God can take our anger. He can take us yelling at Him. When I wrote this I didn’t want to pray, I didn’t want to hear what He had to say just then. I simply wanted to yell at Him. I was very spent and empty after this season of anger and questioning, but it needed to be said, it needed to be dealt with, and I know that this can happen again because grief is a roller-coaster.
Now I’m still here after yelling at God, He didn’t zap me off the face of the planet because I expressed my feelings, He simply listened. I believe God gave us emotions to help us deal, process and understand all the parts of grief we go through. They all are necessary for healing as we walk through this dark valley.
“Where were you?
My heart is broken Lord, and with each breath I take, I hope its my last. My lungs feel like they’re being crushed, each breath hurts, each breath and each heart beat I wish would be my last. I don’t want to do this God, I want life to be over. What happened on Brian’s last breath, how was his last breath? Where were you when his life was ending? Were you there? Of course you were there, why didn’t you do something? Why didn’t you step in, you who can give life to dust, you who breathed life into me, into the first man, where were you when my husband died? Did he cry out to you? Did he know he was dying? Did you cry God? Did his last breath make you weep? All I ever wanted was to live a long life with him. I need him most now God, I need him to hold me like he would, I need him to kiss my forehead and make my pain go away. I need him to look into my eyes and tell me that I’m going to make it through this. You promised never to leave us or forsake us but I feel so alone right now, my heart is crushed, my soul is shattered and I’m so mad at you. I want my husband back, I want my best friend back.
Do you care that I’m lonely, do you care that I’m hurt? Do you care that sometimes I wake up and my pillow is soaked in tears I don’t remember shedding?
Why me God? Why me? Why won’t you answer me? Why can’t I hear you speaking to me tonight? Why does this hurt so much? Why didn’t you step in? Why did you break my heart?
I want to trust you God, I really want to, but it hurts so much now to breathe.
Where are you? I feel more alone tonight than I’ve ever felt, I can’t feel your presence. All I feel is sadness and anger. Yes, anger, I’m so mad at you, I’m so confused by this. You broke my heart, its shattered in a million pieces, put it back together because I can’t keep living like this.”
I think of the times my late husband and I argued, the words spoken in frustration, things said that I wish could be taken back. Even in our times of expressing/feeling anger towards the other there was never a doubt in my mind that he loved me, and I hope he never questioned my love for him. Which is what I appreciate about God’s love for me, even after all my nights of yelling at Him, screaming in the car, questioning why and why not; He still loves me. In the end it’s important that we express anger in appropriate ways on our grief journey so we can heal, recover and thrive.
“Be angry and do not sin”