Eight years ago I had no idea how to be a wife. Sure I’d read books, articles, forums, people gave advice. I remember none of that advice now, but I tried my best to be a good wife to you, and to make you happy, happier than you’d ever been.

I remember cooking every meal our first year of marriage, I came to regret that a few years later. Do you remember when I taught you to do the laundry? You washed everything with HOT water, claiming that was the only way to get it clean, I had a lot of pink clothing after that. I remember our longest/silliest fight. The proper way to make chili. While I don’t agree with your method, I finally agreed that yours was better. It’s one of the few “fights” I remember us having. I remember one summer day spraying you with water from the kitchen faucet, and you retaliated by bringing the garden hose into the house and you soaked me with it. I remember the first time I got sick, I asked you to make me some soup. It was the worst soup I’d ever had, we both laughed at it and you rubbed my head and made me take my medicine every few hours. Anytime I was sick you’d always bring home cold medicine, cough drops and canned soup, determined to never let me suffer more while I was sick.

Every anniversary we would wake up together and you would ask me “hey, will you marry me?”I miss that question today, but my answer is still yes.You were an amazing husband to me Brian. There is not one day of our life together I ever doubted that love. When you looked at me, when you said my name, when you held me, when I walked into a room I always felt and knew that deep love was there and it was meant only for me.

There have been many days I’ve felt anger Brian. Anger because this is not what my idea of forever was the day we said “I do”. I wanted more days of belly aching laughter, more days of silly inside jokes, more breakfasts dates on a Sunday. I wanted a family with you, I wanted to see you become a dad. You would have been an amazing dad, kids loved you. I knew difficult decisions and difficult times would keep coming but I was ok with them knowing you would be by my side. But here I am today, I’m looking for an apartment, I have a new job. I’m doing all these things that we were supposed to do together, and it sucks to do them alone. I don’t want to do all this without you. I don’t want to face the future without you. I’ve done so many big things in my life and so many of them were with you, so many of them you encouraged me to do. To pursue my dreams, to find hobbies, make friends, to find happiness and joy in everyday things. It’s not easy now. Grief sits and waits for moments that make me happy to place guilt in my heart for any feelings of joy I may have. I cried after I accepted the job offer. I wanted to call you, I wanted to hear you say “I’m proud of you sweetheart”. My life is moving forward in a direction I didn’t expect. All these big decisions are bittersweet. Sweet, because things are looking ok for now, bitter, because I don’t get to do them with you holding my hand and cheering me on. This is a strange new interpretation of forever.

“Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm.” I have Brian, not a day goes by that I don’t think of you. “For love is as strong as death.” Death has not parted me from you, it has not taken away my love for you. Forever, I still do. Happy anniversary my love.

 

 

2 thoughts on “I do.

  1. Kellie if Brian read you post, it would make him the happiest person. Brian was such a good person & I’s so happy for him that you became his wife. You were so good to him & he deserved it so much & well as you deserved to have him in your life. God Bless you & keep you in His Loving Care. Shirley

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  2. It’s hard not to smile when thinking and reading of Brian. But it’s also hard not to become tearful when thinking of you two. That you have to live this conundrum, I am sorry.
    May there be more of the sweet feelings than the bitter ones in the days ahead.

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