My dear husband.
I asked God last night for a break from memories of you. I didn’t want to think about you for just a little bit. I wanted to feel nothing. All I do now is feel. Feel sad, angry, depressed, confused, scared, shocked and worst of all, lonely. I needed a break from feeling, and from anything that would spark emotions or feelings.
And he did that for me. In fact, I didn’t think of you when I woke up this morning, but as soon as I had my coffee was in my hands, the thoughts of you came rushing in. “He wouldn’t like his coffee like this, he would say it’s not white enough”, “add more milk please” or “why are you skimping on my milk”
I’m packing my suitcase again and I see the bathing suit you bought for me before you died. “It looks very tropical like you, you’ll love it, it’ll be here soon”
You never got to see me wear it. I was supposed to wear it on our anniversary trip, a few days on a remote beach with no one else around. Perfection.
I would have worn it to the river a few times already this summer. Our favorite river, clear, cool water, you can see right to the bottom. That was your favorite thing about it. And of course each time we would visit, we’d stop at the little convenient store with only 3 aisles and every variety of pickles possible. And everytime, pickles, bread, deli meat, cheese and soda water. Pickles, bread, deli meat, cheese, soda water. I would give anything to eat pickles, bread, deli meat, and cheese with you right now. I would give anything my dear husband. I would eat that for every meal if meant you would come back to me.
Why did I ask for a break from memories? It hurts Brian, sometimes taking a breath hurts, saying your name hurts, remembering all the laughs, the hugs, the kisses, the breakfasts, late mornings, late nights, lazy Sundays. They all hurt sometimes. I don’t want to say “my late husband”, that’s only supposed to mean that you woke up late again not that you’re never waking up again. Wake up Brian. Please wake up.
I’ll buy you all the pickles in the world, I’ll eat beets every day, I’ll eat smelly brussel sprouts. You’re right, I probably won’t eat beets or brussel sprouts, but I would do almost anything to have you back.
I’m going to wear that bathing suit often Brian, my new place has a pool nearby, and after I swim, I’ll eat pickles, bread, deli meat, cheese and have a nice cold glass of soda water.
I just wish I could have that meal with you.