I remember the morning after you died, I woke up after sleeping for maybe 3 hours, even though I had been awake for 36 hours. I took a look at myself in the mirror, this broken woman, I could almost see into her soul. I saw the little girl in there who was scared, alone, confused, lost and hurt beyond words. I remember saying to her, “you made it one day without your husband, you just have to make the rest of them”. I don’t think she believed it, I still don’t think she does.
I won’t say the days have gotten easier Brian, because they haven’t. The days have just been different. I make coffee for one now, breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, all for one. Laundry for one. Buying groceries for one. “How many devices will be hooked up to the cable internet?” “Oh just one”. “How many people in your party?’ “just one”.
But that’s all they see they see, just one. They don’t see the other part of me that helped me to become the woman that I am. They don’t see the you that would buy me dinner so I could take a break from cooking, or would buy me flowers or sometimes steal them from the park. They don’t see you telling me that I have too many shoes, or too many purses, or you saying let’s just lay in bed and do nothing today. No, they see just one, just one crying into her drink, because she doesn’t want to be just one.
I made it to one week, one month, the first anniversary without you, the first big steps without you. Those days, they all mocked me, “just one, all alone, just one”. Everyone says they’re proud of me for all the things I’ve done, all the things I’ve accomplished since you’ve died. They all say you would be proud of me too. Truth is, I’m absolutely terrified of what will happen to me if I don’t do anything. I’m terrified of what will happen if I sit with the grief and let it consume me. So instead I fight it. I wake up every morning alone. I’ve stopped expecting your call every morning at 9 letting me know you’re on your way home from work. I’ve stopped waking up at 2 am. I did that for years, “wake up sweetheart it’s time to go to work”. Just one more thing I’ve stopped doing.
I have a can of beets in my pantry, just one can because you loved them. I will never eat them, because I don’t like beets, but you loved them, so I will always buy it because it reminds me of you, and it’s the one thing I buy that’s not for me. I sobbed in the aisle picking up the can Brian. It will remain there until it expires, and I’ll probably buy another one.
I’m trying Brian, I’m trying so hard to make it through each day, but I won’t lie, the days would be so much easier with you. I long for heaven, I long to see you again.

One thought on “Just one.

  1. My heart is so heavy for your day to day grief. You with the help of the Lord are doing a great job getting thru each day. Brian would be very proud of you. Just keep close to the Lord & He will give you comfort & peace. I have you in my daily prayers. God Bless you & keep you in His Loving Care.


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