Why me, why me, why me? I know you’ve heard me ask this question over and over again, and while its not as frequent, I still ask it at times. Why me Lord? Why him? Why?
I’ve come to a realization lately that even if I knew why his life had to end it wouldn’t change anything, it would bring little to no comfort because after all the questions are answered I still have no one to come home to, I still have no hand to hold, I still wake up alone, and still eat alone. So now my focus has to shift from why, to, for what purpose? What is my purpose in all the pain that is felt daily? I simply refuse to live this nightmare and have it be all for nothing in the end. So, for what purpose?
But I’ll admit, I’m having a really hard time focusing on what the purpose is, or rather, finding the purpose of this. You know my mentality, I would rather rip the band-aid off and feel all the pain at once than slowly rip each hair out, one by one, feeling every bit of sadness, anger, depression, loneliness, frustration and just plain “I want to give up” part of it all. Just rip the band-aid off! I know I’ve said that to you a thousand times, I’ve begged you to do that so the pain can be over, but ripping this band-aid off might kill me, another case of death by heartbreak.
My last week was tough, most moments I felt more alone and more depressed than I have ever felt in my life and the hole I fell into was certainly the deepest one I’ve fallen into on this journey. So many mornings of nothing but tears before work, running to the med room, or the bathroom to silently scream, to cry out the pain that felt like it would swallow me whole. Many moments I asked myself where are you God? Where are you?! Can’t you see my heart is broken? Why aren’t you saying something?! SAY SOMETHING ALREADY?! Sure when I’m doing something wrong, you’re there to tell me I need to fix that, but when my heart is being stomped on and danced on by the monster of grief, it’s then that I can’t hear you. I begged you for a miracle of relief, a miracle of joy, or honestly, any miracle. Of course you delivered, but I was too blinded by hating everything to see them as they unfolded.
Many days I’ve woken up and wondered why I woke up to see another day. Why allow another day of unknown pain, another day of unknown tears, another day of fear, anxiety, depression, and the loneliness who sticks around so much we’ve almost become best of friends. I don’t like you loneliness, go away. Alone time is much different than loneliness, and loneliness, I don’t like you. I want my surge of dopamine/serotonin back. I want that person who everyday fills my happy receptors, the days are easier when that person is around, pictures do no justice, memories do not help, they simply taunt me and laugh at me “he’s gone”. I didn’t sign up for this, bring him back.
The feeling of depression is awful, I simply do what I have to do and nothing more, even doing what I have to do is exhausting. Living is exhausting. I want to be out of this hole, get me out of this hole, its dark, I have no light and I’m scared. Grief is terrifying. Loneliness is terrifying. The anxiety is terrifying. I’m done with feeling this way. No I don’t think you heard me, I’m DONE with feeling this way. I can’t go on like this any longer, it’s not good for me, it’s not good for my heart, my mind, and my overall being. I can’t go on like this any longer.
So I finally made a choice. I refused to wake up and spend everyday feeling sorry for myself, I need to find something that brings me joy, something that fills me with happiness, something that gives me a purpose everyday. I’m not trying to escape my grief, I know that is impossible, but I refuse to be stuck in a cycle of self hate, destruction and despair. When the tears want to come I let them, but when the feelings of happiness want to come I shut them down “I can’t feel happiness right now, my husband is dead”. I can hear him saying “why are you doing that?”. Why? I want to do grief right, or whatever that means.
Is it too soon to allow myself happiness? No, it’s not. Allowing happiness to come back again feels strange, it feels wrong. Does it mean our love wasn’t that strong? God forbid anyone thinks that. But I need happiness Brian, I need it again, it hurts too much to be sad every moment of the day, it’s so exhausting. I love you, but I need happiness again, I need this to not hurt so much every moment of the day. I need to be able to think of you and smile, not burst into uncontrollable tears. I need a purpose in my life. For years my purpose was known, and it was to be the best wife that I could be to you. But I need something new, I need a reason to want to go on. Even though you won’t be by my side, you are ALWAYS on my heart.
For what purpose? I don’t know, but I hope I find out.