I found the cologne that you wore.  It took me almost a minute to convince myself that yes, even though it would hurt, I wanted to smell it again. And that’s why I took the cap off. I didn’t know scent could be so powerful my love. With one whiff I remember you sitting on the couch downstairs waiting for me, whether it was for church, to go to the store or anything else. I can see you putting on your socks which rarely matched, and you tying your shoelaces. I can hear myself asking you if I look okay, you would always reply “you look beautiful”. It’s just a smell, but I can remember the day you first smelled it in the magazine sample and wanted it, but you refused to spend over $100 on cologne. Of course thanks to my constant spending it Ulta, I was able to get $12 off the purchase and bought it for you for our anniversary. It became your favorite cologne, you wore it all the time. I remember after you died I sprayed your pillow with that cologne. I put one of your t-shirts on the pillow, a recommendation from a friend, and I sprayed your pillow with your favorite cologne. As I opened that cologne today it smelled just like you, just a flood of memories came back. I can remember hugging you and smelling that cologne. I could almost feel your hug, I can almost feel you kissing my forehead. I remember sitting next to you in church, you always smelled like that cologne, holding your hand while we were driving, sometimes I would kiss your hand, and it smelled like the cologne. I remember you wore it the night we went to the symphony for my birthday surprise. Vivaldi The Four Seasons. You were sick that year, but determined that I would have a good birthday. I remember laying my head on your shoulder and smelling that cologne. That scent made me feel comfortable and safe.

Who knew one scent could cause such a flood of emotions. I miss smelling that cologne on you. For gentlemen only. You always treated me like a true gentleman would. You set the bar pretty high Brian. How amazing that such love could exist. I certainly didn’t expect it for my life, but now it’s all I want. All I want is to walk down the stairs, and smell that cologne, I want to walk down the stairs and see your smiling face. I want you to pull me into your arms like you used to, I want you tell me that you thank God for me everyday. I did too sweetheart. My life feels so pathetic now without you.

Just a whiff of your cologne and I can’t stop crying. I still wear the perfume you got for me. The bottle was almost empty before you died, and after you died I bought the biggest bottle I could find. La vie est belle. Life doesn’t seem so beautiful now. My sadness has clouded my view of life and I struggle to find the beauty in it. I remember sometimes we’d lay in bed together and I would lay my head on your chest, “I can hear your heartbeat”, and I could smell that cologne too. If you were here I would spray that cologne on you, lay my head on your chest just listen to your heartbeat. I wish I could hear that heartbeat again. I can barely hear mine sweetheart. Sometimes I don’t even know if my heart is beating, I’m existing but I’m not living. 74-80 beats a minute, I didn’t know your social security number by heart, but I knew how many times your heart would beat in a minute. I remember when the paramedics hooked you up to their monitor and it said 0. No, it’s supposed to say anything between 74 and 80, not 0. I know what 0 means. Why is that line flat, my beautiful husband, that line is not supposed to be flat. They need to hook me up to the monitor because I’m not sure if my heart is beating anymore, how is my heart supposed to beat when yours has stopped. How am I supposed to breathe when you’re not breathing? Please take a breath sweetheart, please wake up. Please put on one of those button down shirts I bought for you, put on your favorite pair of black slacks, put on your favorite shoes, your mismatched socks, and please, please put on your cologne. Please wake up. Please. Sometimes I find it hard to take a breath, or sometimes I just forget to take a breath. All I want in my next breath is to smell your cologne. For gentlemen only.


2 thoughts on “Scents and heartbeats

  1. This is such a beautiful and sad piece 😭. Death is just so sad. Sometimes it’s not a time for
    Encouraging words or “it’ll be okay’s” or “stay strong” or “be positive” etc…sometimes it’s just sad. ❤️😢❤️ Thank you for sharing


  2. Oh Kellie how my heart aches for you & I pray it won’t be too much longer for you to bear your grief. I also have the scent my husband wore & how it brings back such nice memories & I pray one day you will have nice memories & not all the grief you are having now, & that some day that scent will make you happy in remembering Brian. You are so excellent in expressing your feelings. God Bless you & keep you in His Loving Care.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s