I dreamt about you last night but I didn’t see your face. I’ve only seen your face in one dream so far, and I’ve only had 3 dreams about you since you died. But in the dream that I saw your face, it wasn’t you, it was your face, but that personality wasn’t you, that personality was smug, obnoxious and cruel. I suppose it was just a part of grief mocking me, mocking the loneliness and mocking the pain. In my dream last night I remember being very aware that I couldn’t talk to you anymore. I remember crying in my dream and saying I miss you, all I want is to hear your voice. Even in my dream I felt the loneliness. I guess my brain didn’t want me to think about that too much so it woke me up, but now hours later it’s all I can think about. My heart hurts Brian. It all feels like I’m living a nightmare. Wake up I tell myself, wake up, all I have to do is wake up and this nightmare will be over. But I can’t wake up from this because it’s not a dream. No matter how many times I pinch myself, shake my head, or ask people if this is real, it’s always the same answer, the same result, this isn’t a dream.
I had two good days before today, no tears, just laughter, glimpses of a part of who I used to be, telling jokes, and being silly with those around me. Then that dream came and knocked me right back down. I wish this was just a bad dream, because then I could wake up and you would be there to comfort me, to hold me. Even if you were half asleep you always knew what to do to make me feel better. I want to hear your voice, but I don’t want to hear a recording of your voice, I want to hear your voice and see your lips move, I want to see the smile on your face and in your eyes. I want to sit beside you and hold your hand, I want to look down and see the veins in your hand and the calluses on your hand from work. I want to start a thumb war with you, 10 years and we still did that, I still cheated half the time because you were stronger than me. I want my hand to feel protected the way it did when it was in your hand.
People have said when the time is right, I’ll dream of you and it will be a happy dream, a dream that won’t turn me into a puddle of tears, but a dream that will make me remember all the good things about you and all the happy times. I try to remember the happy times Brian, but today, today I cannot. Today all I can remember is the sound of my screams, all I can remember is what you looked like what I found you. All I can remember is my heart shattering and all the air being sucked out of my lungs, my brain reminding my body to please take a breath, please we need to take a breath. I remember struggling to breathe, I remember throwing up from the shock. I remember it being a cold day but I didn’t realize it until someone put a blanket on me because they felt my cold skin. Oh I miss you. I try not to think about that day if I can help it, but today, when my heart hurts, and the pain feels as raw as it did that day it’s all I can think about. The day that my life completely changed, the day my identity changed, the day I lost a sense of who I was and who I am. I try to think happy thoughts about you, I try to smile when I think about you but today every memory hurts, and I’m nauseous again. I want to build new memories with you. I want our story to keep going, I didn’t ask for it to end so soon.
I want to see you in dreams, photographs and videos, but I’m scared of what my emotions will do if I see your face and hear your voice. I’m scared that I might fall back into another pit of despair that binds me tightly, not allowing me to function. I’m scared that my emotions will consume me, and what if this time I let it? I fight every minute of the day, I fight the negative thoughts in my head, I fight pain, anger, anxiety, depression, loneliness and fear, and I’m tired. I long for better days and the joy they may bring, but I’m also scared of better days, because do better days mean that I’ve forgotten our love? Do better days mean that I don’t love you anymore, do better days mean that you were never here, do better days mean that you’re forgotten? How can I forget someone who means the world to me? I never want to forget you, but sometimes it hurts so much to remember you. If you were here I would ask you to pray for me, I need those prayers Brian, I need the comfort of those prayers. I need my heart to heal.